Edgar A Stonehill

I am Major

Major routinely makes unusual
statements

Whenever anyone asks him
Are you sure?
He responds
No
I am Major
Sheur works on the fifth floor
Referencing the Asian woman
in the Real Estate department

So I should have been
prepared for his response
when at the end of a long day
I told Major
I’m tired

Nice to meet you Tired
I am Major

Some people have a single humorous line
a conversational fingerprint
Major is not limited to one line
People struggle to recalls
a single silly observation of his
But everyone remembers
his immediate delivery
of an unquantified
effortless puns

Copyright 2010 Edgar A Stonehill

Bugger’s Love

Bugger takes Phil and myself
for a walk
by the house of Phil’s
girlfriend
a nine month old
born 3 weeks before him
She
plays in the yard with her father
I give Bugs permission to greet
the wobbly girl
and as Bugger is pet by the tiny
unsteady hand
she yelps
fearful that at any moment
these tiny fingers would thoughtlessly
tug a clump of fur
She continues her squeaking tremors
while cleaning the defenseless girl like she
were her own pup

The father asks
What is wrong with Bugger?

This is the first time
I have seen her do this
but I speculate

She’s afraid to love
but courageous enough to try

He is confused

He is a cat person
So I give up and say

She’s a complicated dog

Copyright 2010 Edgar A Stonehill

Counter Productive

He’s an obvious contradiction
a fat vegetarian

Rocks have better conversational skills
but that does not stop him
from talking
Eager to claim progress but
opts out of direct deposit

He is the mule
We are paid to carry

Copyright 2010 Edgar A Stonehill

Beano

He kept a small secret from his lover
A fear of flying
which manifests
into uncontrollable gas
During the departing flight of their
first vacation
he turned to her
and suggested a solution
to his concealed flaw
but the intimacy of his secret
distressed him so much
he jumbled the words

They should make a beano for gas

Copyright 2010 Edgar A Stonehill

Login

I have been told
I do not exist
Some Sys Admin
issued the same login
to two different people
me and someone else
apparently the other one
has managed to get away
without ever logging in for six years

But I am the one who needs to be
issued a new identity
a login with a higher number
not the coveted low numbers
that are evidence of dedication
It may as well have been a punishment

The Sys Admin responsible
should be held accountable
and be prompted to change
all his passwords daily
for a month

Copyright 2010 Edgar A Stonehill

Bark

Bugger has several barks
the neighbors have company
someone is walking a dog on the sidewalk
I smell fish
It is late–Go to bed
Phil is bothering me
Chase me–I have your shoe
Phil sneak me some more fish
That peanut butter sandwich was delicious
I can’t stop running
Someone moved inside the house across the pond
Dibs on that leaf blowing in the wind

But her radar bark
is one short jab
that collides with tissue
deep inside the head
and rattles
our tempers

The neighbors claim they don’t hear her bark
but I bet they hear us commanding her to stop

Copyright 2010 Edgar A Stonehill

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The Capitalist Introduces Major

On my first day
A man introduced himself as
The Capitalist
and appoints himself as my mentor
He introduces to
Julie, Samantha, Rob, Trinket, and
an actuary named
Major
who laughed without reservation
at a private joke
as he shook my hand

My self appointed mentor
openly advised
If you are feeling good
and need to bring it down
you know — keep it real
talk to this guy
But don’t visit too long
I worry about him
Just not right to have
a dark outlook
all the time
Major continued to laugh
although it became more unsteady
then entirely unstable
not the laugh of a professional

I wrote on my notepad
using an impromptu cipher
Major is unbalanced

Copyright 2010 Edgar A Stonehill

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Circles

A colleague leans away from her screen
and speaks accross the aisle
to me

Did you know
Europe has never had a single
fatality in one of those
circular intersections?

I have abandoned
asking people what they were working on
in this office
The work gets done
somehow

Copyright 2010 Edgar A Stonehill

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Confession

Autumn calls around noon
during the rain shower
celebrating
winnning
Brewers tickets

Hanging up my jacket
with my free hand
briefly delays my response
and diminishes the enthusiasm

she believes
Pauses and sighs
are open to interpretation
This time she assumes
I am frustrated
and asks if everything is all right

Sorry
I was hanging up my jacket

The bitterness towards
the rain apparent in my voice

Did you forget your lunch again?
no, not this time
although I would forget it
by the end of the week
as usual

We are at the point in our marriage where
mind reading is getting easier for me
She’s planning to subtly ask why I needed to
walk out in the rain if I had my lunch

I went out to get a soda from a drug store
I took the initiative
putting forth a strong defensive answer
before she could ask
An attempt to avoid disclosing
the real reason

I want to get this straight
you walked out in the crummy weather
to get a soda
instead of using the vending machines inside

yes

attempting to end the conversation

Anything to avoid the reason why I was outside
Not because I am guilty
but because
my cubicle neighbors will overhear
I can handle Autumn
but my colleagues…
they always listen when Autumn calls

why?

She is too intrigued
to let this go
No other options for avoiding
a confession
Because I was half way to the deli
when I remembered that I brought my lunch

Autumn’s eyes roll
and one cubicle neighbor chuckled
another hammers an email
while a third mumbled
loud enough for me to hear

not surprised

Copyright 2010 Edgar A Stonehill

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